Likely because I dedicate this site to the little things is the reason I both smiled and pondered at the simple fortune cookie message I received on the evening of December 31. “Be Full”.
This evening my youngest daughter is in China teaching, two sons are with their families, one in Atlanta with his wife and her extended family, one from Chicago visiting in-laws in Florida with his wife and two kids. Sitting with me at dinner this particular evening as 2016 closes is a subset of my family; my wife, three grand children, one son, one daughter, and my only son in law. Yet, I am missing those that are not present.
We just came out of the holidays, that were celebrated uniquely by DeAnn and I, she went to her folks with one son and grand son. She visited and celebrated with a part of her family. Two of four brothers, their wives, a host of nieces, nephews and some of their respective families. But not everyone, some were off with other family stretched from North Dakota to Dallas, Texas, from Elk City, Ok to Oxford, England. This Holiday the matriarch of that group, DeAnn’s mom, I am sure wished differently as several were missing from their table.
I didn’t go with DeAnn. I went to celebrate Christmas with my folks. There my dad, mom, brother, brother in law, and one of two sisters dined, attended church, and opened presents. We told stories, laughed, and played games. We ate, ate, and ate some more. None of us siblings were able to bring grand kids to show off, in fact this group was a very small subset of our family. No children, grand children, or great grand children. No cousins, no nephews, nieces. just six members of a much larger family… more absent than present. Again many were missing from the table.
DeAnn and I were busy leading up to Christmas, her making quilts for grandkids, me working on a project to give away later. If not for the gifts we gave to grand kids we kind of skipped Christmas. Minimal decoration, no meal at home, even Christmas music was a little sparse.
I had thought that this New Year’s celebration would offer a cure for an emotion that has been present for some time, but couldn’t name it. Not loneliness, but a little sad, but not. Empty. Sad for the distance that separates, sad that a part of growing up, aging, separates. Yes, empty. So I spent New Years Eve doing what us Americans do when we are forced to face unpleasant emotions. I went shopping. Looking at cars, dining out, filling the day with distractions. Even watching grand kids play at Chuck E Cheese during lunch offered only a small vacation from this cloud of emptiness, hunger, and dissatisfaction.
We close New Year’s Eve dining at a Chinese Restaurant, eight family members all talking, laughing, sharing a meal, and our lives. Yet my mind drifts to who is missing from this table, and what is lacking in my life. Our Christmas break will be over when this short trip ends and life will return to its routine. Tonight I am imagining a time when life seemed fuller. Thinking of those that could be at this table and are not because distance has separated us, and remembering those no longer living that can’t, those who’s time has separated them from me. Remembering that DeAnn and I didn’t really share the Holidays with each other, each distracted. I was hungry for more, not satisfied.
New Years Eve at that Chinese restaurant. We have finished eating, the conversations have waned, the grand kids are tired, our evening is coming to a close as were the holidays. The fortune cookies were a self serve item and I get up to grab a couple of handfuls. I am likely the only person that really likes the taste of fortune cookies so there is always the temptation to eat a few, and pick the fortune I want, pick the best one. I break open one, read it, share it, and then pause, this one is a keeper.
“I used to be, physically at the moment I am, and I wish my life was” those are the first thoughts. Then the simple words came “Chose to”. Paul said “I have learned to be satisfied regardless of my state” Granted a slight paraphrase as you will likely recall the word as “content” but satisfied is the right word today as we had just finished dining. Learn to be satisfied regardless of my current state, learn not to long for things as they were, learn not to long for something different, learn to be satisfied with what I have today.
I push back from the table of empty plates and seven other people …….
“I am Full”
David
Powerful. I to was empty this year. Thanks.